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.. I mean, I wanted to feelsexually humiliated again... I mean, that was a pivotal moment, forsure... but now, many years later, lying on the beach at Fort Tilden,working on my suntan in a little black string bikini, thinking back tohow it all started... I don't really believe that moment made me who Iam today... no, I think there is something inside us too, that makes uswho we are... and I can't help but think that even then, as a littleboy, there was something in me that wanted to be erased, ruined anddestroyed... made to act like a girl... and be treated like a girl...call it a masochistic bent or something else... call it whatever youwant... but it only got worse with adolescence. That's when I reallystarted dressing up a lot--in secret--whenever my parents went out,whenever I was alone in the house, I would put on lingerie and lipstickand masturbate in the mirror... looking at this little hippie boy-girlwearing flowers in her long brown hair... that's me... listening to theVelvet. Nosooner did she let go of the guitar Larissa immediately grabbed her in ahug. Sarah closed her eyes and hugged the small blonde child for all shewas worth.Sarah softly said, "Why do you always want me to sing that song, youknow it makes me cry."Larissa just pulled back far enough so she could look Sarah in the eyesand said, "I know... When you cry I can hug you to make you feelbetter..." She then gave the sweetest smile she could to Sarah.Sarah then pulled Larissa in for another hug and told her, "Sweetie,your hugs always make me feel better."Joan felt her eyes starting to moisten at the tenderness of the momentwatching Sarah and the small girl, Ally stood up and got into the hug aswell. It was then that Sarah looked up and saw her parents standingthere watching them. She immediately pulled back and started to wipe thetears off her face, then asked, "So how long have you two been there?"Bill replied, "We came in about half way through the song, Sarah thatwas amazing..."Sarah gave a.
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